corinthian

devil dream

Starting with the first lockdown of 2020, my night life was dominated by a vivid dream world, thoughts of which filled the dark spaces of my waking hours. The story's first lines arose fully formed, and the dream wrote itself into an opening. But dream logic translates into a tedious narrative. After all, there’s not much so boring as listening to a friend’s dream. In the end, attempts to write something other than a Mary Sue fantasy fulfilment went nowhere. A year passed.

In the interim, I’ve been thinking. According to the podcast metrics, a total of zero people saw my last post. Granted, it wasn’t great, and I don’t have one-hundred percent confidence in the stats on my dashboard, but it’s looking like without a FB post pointing here, no one sees or hears what’s up. 

Meanwhile, I dreamt that I was employed by the devil. In this instance, it manifested as two strip mall optometrists with obsidian eyes. My duties were pretty vague, as I recall, though I was afforded a degree of immunity from consequences. Regardless, I had to take leave after committing a particularly grisly murder. One of the diabolical eye doctors told me to get out of town, crossed my palm with a bus ticket, and said, "Try Ohio." Then I woke up; and now I’ve told you about my year-old dream.

TRACK 01 "Echoes," The Rapture INDEX 01 00:00:00

TRACK 02 "Deleters (feat, Holy Fuck. Angus Andrew)," INDEX 01 03:06:38

TRACK 03 "Bound for Hell," Love and Rockets INDEX 01 06:18:68

TRACK 04 "Blood in the River," Zeal & Ardor INDEX 01 12:08:68

TRACK 05 "You're Dead," Norma Tanega INDEX 01 15:41:59

TRACK 06 "Run On," Moby INDEX 01 18:02:42

TRACK 07 "Save Me From What I Want," St. Vincent INDEX 01 21:46:01

TRACK 08 "Bela Lugosi's Dead," CHVRCHES INDEX 01 25:19:29

TRACK 09 "Beat the Devil's Tattoo," Black Rebel Motorcycle Club INDEX 01 29:06:40

TRACK 10 "Save Me (Remix)," The Tea Party

TRACK 11 "Look to the Orb for Your Warning," Monster Magnet INDEX 01 39:23:23

TRACK 12 "Damned," Unloved INDEX 01 44:06:24

TRACK 13 "Big Joke," Dive INDEX 01 48:32:37

TRACK 14 "Bloodbuzz Ohio," The National INDEX 01 51:10:11

Tired and Happy

Got my first jab this week. Felt dreadful the next day, basically slept at my desk while pretending to work. Conveniently, today is Saturday and I feel fine. I hope you’re getting vaccinated as soon as you can. 

There’s no extra meaning in this mix. I know people come for the words or the mix. My aim is to share music, and maybe evoke some interesting thoughts or feelings if we’re both lucky. 

Keep well.

TRACK 01 "We Float," PJ Harvey INDEX 01 00:00:00
TRACK 02 "Pelham," Grails INDEX 01 06:03:73
TRACK 03 "For While You Slept," Hush Arbors INDEX 01 08:49:37
TRACK 04 "Enemy Fire," Ryan Adams INDEX 01 13:10:71
TRACK 05 "Had We Had It," Frankie Rose INDEX 01 17:15:63
TRACK 06 "Killed the Lord, Left for the New World," This Will Destroy You INDEX 01 20:11:50
TRACK 07 "No Surprises," Marissa Nadler (Feat. Black Hole Infinity) INDEX 01 26:42:58
TRACK 08 "Last of the Old Fashioned Steam Powered Trains," Ed Kuepper & Mark Dawson INDEX 01 31:17:29
TRACK 09 "Sadness is a Blessing," Lykke Li INDEX 01 36:44:50
TRACK 10 "United Future Airlines (Astral Highjack mix)," United Future Organization INDEX 01 40:43:09
TRACK 11 "Caribbean Queen," Doug Hream Blunt INDEX 01 46:11:06
TRACK 12 "Nightime Story," Lo Fidelity Allstars INDEX 01 51:22:21

Requiem Disquiet

I’m not expecting anything else. People I’ve exchanged posts with will recede from my awareness, as I will from theirs. So falls the last sword FB holds over me. This is me getting fed up. Fed up with the illusion of connection. Fed up being force fed whatever the algorithm decides will keep me looking at ads, and subtly refining my digital fingerprint as a fungible resource. Fed up with the toxicity, cultivated for maximum reaction. Most of all, I’m full to the back teeth of my own intellectual and emotional laziness, passively scrolling, clicking, and believing my own lies. "They’ll know I care because I clicked a heart icon, isn’t that special of me!"

Don’t get me wrong, it’s more important than ever to speak against injustice. I thought shouting at the dumpster fire was one way to accomplish that, and maybe I had some effect. But fuck it, I’m over that shit. This month it’s time to climb off the fence dividing participation from collaboration. 

That’s a strong word, "collaboration", but it’s maybe closer than I realised. When so many replies come in to the effect, "I wish I could get out", I think I might be onto something. Facebook is a tool to manipulate you — you personally — with pictures of children, riots and videos of goats. I’m finding it easier to write these paragraphs than anything in months, having shed the urge to peek at little red dots, promising that somebody somewhere gives a shit what I said about BLM, human rights, bushfires or birthdays.

I’m a complete shut-in. The only times I leave the house are to attend doctor appointments. I don’t see anyone who hasn’t come to see me. Yet FB brings me nothing. So it’s time to punch my ticket and debark this hell-bound train. 

Here endeth the sermon.

I don’t have any preconception about how this blog will go, whether anyone will see it, or how long I’ll maintain momentum. I have a couple more posts in development, but they may or may not come to fruition. I also know that for some people, the mix is secondary to the prose, but sometimes that’s all there will be.

TRACK 01 "In Your Face," Brad Sucks INDEX 01 00:00:00
TRACK 02 "We Used to be Friends," The Dandy Warhols INDEX 01 03:21:00
TRACK 03 "Nervous Young Inhumans," Car Seat Headrest INDEX 01 06:39:69
TRACK 04 "The Execution of All Things," Rilo Kiley INDEX 01 12:02:66
TRACK 05 "When It's All Over We Still have to Clear Up," Snow Patrol INDEX 01 16:11:15
TRACK 06 "Sweetheart," Died Pretty INDEX 01 19:26:39
TRACK 07 "Me, You and Everybody," Gomez INDEX 01 23:35:43
TRACK 08 "Already Dead," Beck INDEX 01 27:58:04
TRACK 09 "The Numbers," Radiohead INDEX 01 30:56:74
TRACK 10 "The Four of Us are Dying," Nine Inch Nails INDEX 01 36:39:69
TRACK 11 "Confused Muscles," Telemetry Orchestra INDEX 01 41:17:32
TRACK 12 "Bad Wisdom," Suzanne Vega INDEX 01 45:46:27
TRACK 13 "My Shepherd," The New Pornographers INDEX 01 49:07:35
TRACK 14 "Avalanche," Aimee Mann INDEX 01 53:36:23

The Feeling You Fight Against

TRACK 01 "The Dawn of Your Happiness Is Rising," Violens INDEX 01 00:00:00

TRACK 02 "Iamundernodisguise," School of Seven Bells INDEX 01 03:22:48

TRACK 03 "Season in Hell," Dum Dum Girls INDEX 01 07:07:39

TRACK 04 "Black Out Days," Phantogram INDEX 01 10:12:48

TRACK 05 "Not Like Any Other Feeling," The Thermals INDEX 01 13:55:30

TRACK 06 "Every Time I'm Ready to Hug," Ra Ra Riot INDEX 01 17:24:40

TRACK 07 "Low," Cracker INDEX 01 20:16:03

TRACK 08 "Ice Cream (Featuring Matias Aguayo)," Battles INDEX 01 24:47:59

TRACK 09 "Within One Universe There are Millions," Man or Astro-Man? INDEX 01 29:24:54

TRACK 10 "Compound Fracture," My Morning Jacket INDEX 01 32:20:58

TRACK 11 "The Take Off and Landing of Everything," Elbow INDEX 01 36:01:42

How Soon Is Now?

Surely tomorrow can’t be worse. Let today be as bad as it gets. No more explosions, no more plagues, no more fires. Just … no more. The stupidity, the hate, the futility of even trying, I might as well scream at a forest fire. I'm okay, my friends and family are healthy and safe. I even have a job and a place to live. But what about tomorrow, and the day after that? There's always someone worse off than you, and there's always something horrible over the next hill. I think with no end in sight, and auguries of horror to come, today is the day to give up. Let's tune out and watch puppies. If today is the first day of the rest of my life, I don't want it. I don't need it.

Watching the news last night, my thoughts could be summed up by "sweet fuck, what's next?" I feel like the only ones who care are the ones most vulnerable, least able to enact the change we all need. The first watershed of my memory is the explosion of the Challenger in 1986. Others may pick a different date, but that January was the first time I fell down an emotional elevator shaft. Not depression, but free falling unknowing. Now every day feels like a crumbling cliff. I’ve long believed that our civilisation arced unsteadily towards justice and fairness. That gave me an excuse to not worry too hard about the future. People of good conscience would come together to steer the world toward a brighter Horizon. Not tomorrow, not in my lifetime, but someday, inexorably.

How lazy was I to believe that I didn't need to put in any hard work. Everything works out in the end, except it doesn't. I don't know if humanity trends toward good or ill, but I sure feel like we're fucked. Most of all, I feel like we deserve a break. But we're not gonna get one, are we? Tomorrow is going to come, and we will keep standing up to what we can't stand for. I recognise my privilege being white, male, educated, affluent, loved, cared for. There's no over-arching moral imperative to make the most of that privilege. It's so tempting to tell myself that my tiny contribution makes no real difference, and isn't worth the effort. Isn't worth losing friends, not worth the dread, the rage, the fear, the uneasy dreams. Learned helplessness in the face of an impossible task is a mental cancer that limits your world and erodes your soul. I'm a brain in a jar. The future of my imagination is larger than I'll ever see, and I can talk bigger than I'll ever achieve. Some of that is bravado, yes, but perhaps even my most obnoxious loudmouth pronouncements are rooted in the belief that I have to do something, say something. What difference do I make? Imperceptible, next to nothing. But without that effort, without even a lie that just maybe I could help, I've given away whatever I had.

I'll have a whiskey please, here's to tomorrow.

TRACK 01 "Marginalized," Rheostatics INDEX  02:21:35

TRACK 02 "Let Down," Radiohead INDEX  05:53:23

TRACK 03 "J-TREE," Gang Gang Dance INDEX  10:52:49

TRACK 04 "Colour Line," Asian Dub Foundation INDEX  16:43:57

TRACK 05 "Io," Zammuto INDEX  20:45:60

TRACK 06 "Exterminator," Primal Scream INDEX  23:20:59

TRACK 07 "War Pigs," Black Sabbath INDEX  29:10:41

TRACK 08 "Retaliation Suite," Thievery Corporation INDEX  37:07:67

TRACK 09 "No Need for a Leader," Unknown Mortal Orchestra INDEX  39:54:39

TRACK 10 "Melt the Guns," XTC INDEX  45:37:02

TRACK 11 "Goddess," Mark Sandman INDEX  52:11:06

TRACK 12 "Fear Country," T Bone Burnett INDEX  56:04:31

 

Eight Minutes 46 Seconds

The time for change is now.

TRACK 01 "The Star Spangled Banner," Jimi Hendrix INDEX 00:00:00

TRACK 02 "Rock the Nation," Michael Franti & Spearhead INDEX 04:02:32

TRACK 03 "In/Flux," DJ Shadow INDEX 08:28:32

TRACK 04 "K.K. Nuns," Freakpower INDEX 20:41:11

TRACK 05 "Praying with Eric (Meditations)," Charles Mingus INDEX 24:48:69

TRACK 06 "Somewhere," Bomb The Bass INDEX 52:19:47

 

Down Time

Been thinking for a while about a longer piece. For the moment, I’ll try getting back into the groove with a lockdown soundtrack. If there’s a theme to the music, it’s mainly an attempt to capture some of the moods of what we’re facing. I hope this brings you some enjoyment.

01: "Isolation," Joy Division
02: "25 or 6 to 4," Chicago 02:46:66
03: "Strange Days," the Doors 07:42:58
04: "Judas," The Aches 10:40:41
05: "Teardrop," Aurora 16:45:19
06: "Pumped Up Kid a Mashup," Pomplamoose 20:28:14
07: "All This Time," Jonathan Coultan 23:52:17
08: "Clocks," Coldplay 27:59:15
09: "This Is the Day," The The 33:03:27
10: "Let the Day Begin," The Call 37:40:62

12 Angry Men interview

hidden voices

In the dream, I am floating — or more accurately, hanging. My limbs are limp, relaxed into paralysis, as if by curare. Slender rods, each a foot long, have been drilled into my femurs and tibiae, inserted at right angles to the bones. Each rod terminates in a cable woven from surgical steel. Similar rods and wires have been implanted in my arms, breastbone and cranium. The cables snake through eyelets and disappear into darkness. I am at the centre of a metal spider's web, a flesh and-and-blood puppet held taught by hidden pulleys and weights.

There is no discomfort, only a slight itching where the metal pierces the skin. Toneless voices speak to each other; I can't make out the words, but I can tell they are fine-tuning the tension and vector of each cable and rod, manipulating my skeleton so that each joint is perfectly positioned. The paralysing drug has released the counter valence of my muscles and tendons, and as the physicians make smaller and smaller adjustments, pain is unspooled from old injuries, set free from the clenched muscles and twisted ligaments of a decade of increasingly violent spasms. The old pain feels good, like a deep tissue massage. The air is warm and dry.

I am at rest.

TRACK 01 "Prelude," The Bird INDEX: 00:44:16

TRACK 02 "Mr. Chombee Has the Flaw," The Herbaliser INDEX: 03:16:05

TRACK 03 "Rockit Soul," Funki Porcini INDEX: 07:33:10

TRACK 04 "Broken Levee Blues," DJ Shadow INDEX: 11:13:48

TRACK 05 "Ella's Uncle," Matthew Trapnell with Trapezoid INDEX: 13:21:35

TRACK 06 "Mr. Ameche Plays the Stranger," Yo La Tengo INDEX: 19:15:32

TRACK 07 "Etoh," The Avalanches INDEX: 28:29:39

TRACK 08 "A Woman's Voice," Wax Tailor INDEX: 33:33:13

TRACK 09 "Light in a Dark Place," Rothko And Caroline Ross INDEX: 36:54:63

TRACK 10 "Motherfucker=Redeemer (Part Two)," Godspeed You! Black Emperor INDEX: 40:54:58

TRACK 11 "White Blur," Aphex Twin INDEX: 51:02:01

between the lines

You never know who's paying attention.

TRACK 01 "The Golden Path (Original)," The Chemical Brothers/The Flaming Lips INDEX: 00:00:00

TRACK 02 "You Won't Feel a Thing," The Evens INDEX: 04:48:40

TRACK 03 "Try to Praise This Mutilated World," Rheostatics INDEX: 07:35:10

TRACK 04 "Frank's Wild Years," Tom Waits INDEX: 13:38:69

TRACK 05 "City of Motors," Soul Coughing INDEX: 15:28:62

TRACK 06 "Lupine Dominus," Thee Oh Sees INDEX: 20:04:68

TRACK 07 "Memphis," Purple Penguin INDEX: 23:31:07

TRACK 08 "The Supreme Illusion," Gunjan INDEX: 29:02:55

TRACK 09 "The High Road," Broken Bells INDEX: 33:12:51

TRACK 10 "The Leaning Tree," Sun Kil Moon INDEX: 37:03:29

TRACK 11 "Memory Lane," Elliott Smith INDEX: 44:56:00

TRACK 12 "A Midlife's Tale," My Friend The Chocolate Cake INDEX: 47:23:62

TRACK 13 "She Was Only In It For The Rain," Rocky Votolato INDEX: 50:49:65

Distant Early Warning

Last week the doctor asked me if I wanted to know how I was going to die. Of course I said yes. Multiple sclerosis has granted me a kind of terrible precognition. Shortly after my diagnosis, I realised that however I feel in the morning (the worst part of the day for me), that's how I'm going to feel all the time six to eight months down the road. I might compare my days to driving across an endless desert, towards mountains which I can see clearly, but which never get any closer. Impersonal road signs mark the way; landmarks approach and then quickly recede as I roll on. The road gets rougher, and the motor struggles with the harsh terrain. The needle on the fuel gauge has been hovering over E for as long as I can remember now, and warning lights decorate the dashboard beneath a patina of dust.

Thirty years. The doctor said I could last thirty years before finally succumbing. Three times what's behind me, and I'm already on empty. This is not a warning, or a cry for help. I've made promises I intend to keep. But there's no fucking way I can make it through three more decades. I know with a crushing certainty what I could lose in a single year, but my imagination boggles, literally boggles, when contemplating the cruel odyssey laid out before me. For once, the map is the territory; seeing it is traversing it is living it.

TRACK 01 "Lord Lord Help Me Just to Rock Rock On," Mike Doughty INDEX: 00:00:00
TRACK 02 "Come With Me," The Hundred In The Hands INDEX: 02:52:56
TRACK 03 "Apathy," Mikal Cronin INDEX: 05:57:37
TRACK 04 "The Depths," Frankie Rose INDEX: 08:33:12
TRACK 05 "Nerve Damage!," Unknown Mortal Orchestra INDEX: 11:52:55
TRACK 06 "Midday Heat," Karminsky Experience Inc. INDEX: 14:05:04
TRACK 07 "No Reason," Treat Her Right INDEX: 17:48:08
TRACK 08 "Pimlico," Telemetry Orchestra INDEX: 22:10:36
TRACK 09 "Follow Me Down (featuring Sleepy Sun)," UNKLE INDEX: 27:18:00
TRACK 10 "Heroin," The Velvet Underground INDEX: 31:37:37
TRACK 11 "Inside Looking Out," Kurt Vile INDEX: 38:43:46
TRACK 12 "I Bleed," Pixies INDEX: 45:06:55
TRACK 13 "Two-Headed Boy," Neutral Milk Hotel INDEX: 47:36:64

black parachute

TRACK 01 "I See Monsters," Ryan Adams INDEX: 00:00:00

TRACK 02 "Selfless, Cold, and Composed," Ben Folds Five INDEX: 03:53:45

TRACK 03 "Don't Give Me the It's Not You It's Me," The Fauves INDEX: 09:58:47

TRACK 04 "Independence Day," Elliott Smith INDEX: 13:45:57

TRACK 05 "Ode to Divorce," Regina Spektor INDEX: 16:44:42

TRACK 06 "Lumberlung," Slobberbone INDEX: 20:23:48

TRACK 07 "Na Na Nothing," Mike Doughty INDEX: 24:44:56

TRACK 08 "Low," Cracker INDEX: 28:00:21

TRACK 09 "If You Never Say Goodbye," P.M. Dawn INDEX: 32:31:16

TRACK 10 "Tempted," Squeeze INDEX: 36:34:00

TRACK 11 "The Girl You Lost to Cocaine," Sia INDEX: 40:23:68

TRACK 12 "Heart's a Mess," Gotye INDEX: 43:01:13

TRACK 13 "Werewolf," Fiona Apple INDEX: 49:01:56

TRACK 14 "Somebody to Love Me," Mark Ronson & The Business Intl. INDEX: 52:00:37

TRACK 15 "Mutiny," Big Heavy Stuff INDEX: 56:56:06

Since you’ve been gone

Happy birthday to me.

TRACK 01 "Goodbye Blue Sky," Pink Floyd INDEX: 00:00:00

TRACK 02 "Scared," The Tragically Hip INDEX: 02:49:32

TRACK 03 "Gideon," My Morning Jacket INDEX: 07:53:45

TRACK 04 "Dance Yrself Clean," LCD Soundsystem INDEX: 11:27:48

TRACK 05 "Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)," Arcade Fire INDEX: 20:23:50

TRACK 06 "Pure Morning," Placebo INDEX: 25:32:00

TRACK 07 "Death's Superstar," MK Ultra INDEX: 29:45:27

TRACK 08 "Anyone's Ghost," The National INDEX: 32:31:36

TRACK 09 "Default," Django Django INDEX: 35:23:40

TRACK 10 "Re-Wired," Kasabian INDEX: 38:27:10

TRACK 11 "Unsent Letter," Machine Gun Fellatio INDEX: 43:11:24

TRACK 12 "Friend of the Night," Mogwai INDEX: 48:21:08

TRACK 13 "The End," The Doors INDEX: 53:48:57

mystery rock chick

A few years ago, I met a spunky, magnetic woman at a party. She wore a tight leather jacket, and I was smitten. I will never forget her. 
TRACK 01 "Chartsengrafs," Grandaddy INDEX: 00:00:00 
TRACK 02 "Rich Kids Blues," Lykke Li INDEX: 02:51:07 
TRACK 03 "Monkey!!! Knife!!! Fight!!!," Minus The Bear INDEX: 05:52:73 
TRACK 04 "All Over the World," Pixies INDEX: 09:23:02 
TRACK 05 "Pick It Up and Dial It," Sloan INDEX: 14:47:44 
TRACK 06 "Take the Long Road and Walk It," The Music INDEX: 18:20:06 
TRACK 07 "The Hellcat Spangled Shalalala," Arctic Monkeys INDEX: 23:10:60 
TRACK 08 "Sad Sweetheart of the Rodeo," Harvey Danger INDEX: 26:06:55 
TRACK 09 "Kiss with a Fist," Florence + The Machine INDEX: 29:34:46 
TRACK 10 "Man-Size," PJ Harvey INDEX: 31:44:73 
TRACK 11 "The Pretender," Foo Fighters INDEX: 34:58:25 
TRACK 12 "Took Out a Loan," Black Rebel Motorcycle Club INDEX: 39:25:58 
TRACK 13 "Thug," ZZ Top INDEX: 43:39:52 
TRACK 14 "Severed Goddess Hand," Meat Puppets INDEX: 47:52:49 
TRACK 15 "Life and Limb," Fugazi INDEX: 50:49:10 
TRACK 16 "Good Morning Mr. Trucker," The World Famous Blue Jays INDEX: 53:53:31 
TRACK 17 "I'm Impressed," They Might Be Giants INDEX: 57:13:21 
TRACK 18 "The Devil Went Down to Silverlake," MC Honky INDEX: 59:50:32

redux

Five long months since my last mix. This is what I'm listening to at the moment. I hope you enjoy, though I won't contend it's worth the wait. 
TRACK 01 "Ice Cream (Featuring Matias Aguayo)," Battles INDEX: 00:00:00 
TRACK 02 "P.I.G.S.," Holy Fuck INDEX: 04:37:29 
TRACK 03 "Heart is Strange," School of Seven Bells INDEX: 10:29:44 
TRACK 04 "I Told Her on Alderaan," Neon Neon INDEX: 15:29:35 
TRACK 05 "Death Cloud (Bonus Track)," Cloud Control INDEX: 19:10:17 
TRACK 06 "Storm," Django Django INDEX: 23:24:05 
TRACK 07 "Rhythm is the Key," The Skull Defekts INDEX: 26:37:27 
TRACK 08 "Octet," Deerhunter INDEX: 31:08:35 
TRACK 09 "Blueski," Underworld INDEX: 38:59:13 
TRACK 10 "Video Games," Lana Del Rey INDEX: 41:42:06 
TRACK 11 "Help I'm Alive," Metric INDEX: 46:20:49 
TRACK 12 "Not Much Rhymes with Everything's Awesome At All Times," Sun Kil Moon INDEX: 51:06:05 
TRACK 13 "Psychotic Episode," Royal Headache INDEX: 54:18:59 
TRACK 14 "The Way We Move," Langhorne Slim INDEX: 56:29:38

babel

In the beginning was the word. 
TRACK 01 "Tchigi Fo," Ali Farka Touré INDEX: 00:00:00 
TRACK 02 "Cler Achel," Tinariwen INDEX: 04:27:34 
TRACK 03 "The Face of Love," Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan with Eddie Vedder INDEX: 09:40:68 
TRACK 04 "Kikuchiyo to Mohshimasu," Pink Martini INDEX: 19:41:70 
TRACK 05 "German Studies," The Breeders INDEX: 24:11:32 
TRACK 06 "Piccadilly Palare," Morrissey INDEX: 26:24:49 
TRACK 07 "Porno 3003," Pizzicato Five INDEX: 29:50:02 
TRACK 08 "Catherine ou Une Journée Mémorable," Panache INDEX: 39:40:60 
TRACK 09 "Que Pena (Ela Já Não Gosta Mais de Mim)," DJ Patife INDEX: 42:13:71 
TRACK 10 "So Tinha Que Ser Com Voce," Cosmonautics INDEX: 46:59:00 
TRACK 11 "Lit Up by Sexual Gymnastics," Ed Kuepper INDEX: 51:35:74

homesick, never been

I'm looking at holy ground. A lion guards the steps. She dozes, but I can tell from the twitch of her nose that on some level, she's aware of me. Between her massive paws, a child sleeps. A year ago, I was making plans to kill myself. Some smart people convinced me to try chemistry instead, which has changed the way I think, the way I feel.

"And then he was dead."

"Afterwards, he died."

I used to hear those words, those exact words, every time I completed a thought. Of course, "he" was me. Far from frightening, they were almost a relief, a welcome ending. Being depressed is like that, at least for me. For a while, being medicated was the exact opposite of that. Things change.

I don't miss wanting to be dead, nor the monotony of suicidal ideation. I traded something, in the titration of SNRI which culminated in 30mg / day of duloxetine. I had a writer's block so enormous, I wrote a story about it.

Never mind, I've been getting the itch to write another post -- this time featuring a pure Detroit mix. Which is what we have here, though minus the travelogue of artists and relationships.

At first I thought I was evenly split between anger and sadness, but I was wrong. I'm sad. Just sad.

The lion stirs in her sleep, and the child nestles deeper into its furry cradle. I turn away from the base of the steps, and wheel away.

TRACK 01 "Meaning to Write," Brendan Benson INDEX: 00:00:00

TRACK 02 "Mourning Dove," Restroom Poets INDEX: 03:32:60

TRACK 03 "Send Me a Dragonfly," His Name Is Alive INDEX: 07:25:60

TRACK 04 "Everlasting Short Lived," Bent Lucy INDEX: 21:42:15

TRACK 05 "All That Dies," The Monsterous Vibe INDEX: 24:26:18

TRACK 06 "Sad Golf Horn," The 19.5 Collective INDEX: 29:23:27

TRACK 07 "More Life (More Strings)," Skinhorse INDEX: 32:31:46

TRACK 08 "Heavens Downward," Au Revoir Borealis INDEX: 37:09:45

turning tide

I have nothing to declare. 
TRACK 01 "Samaritan," The Long Winters INDEX: 00:00:00 
TRACK 02 "Clever Creatures," The Cave Singers INDEX: 02:42:22 
TRACK 03 "Novocaine for the Soul," Eels INDEX: 05:55:30 
TRACK 04 "Peace of Mind," Bat for Lashes INDEX: 09:00:72 
TRACK 05 "No Need to Worry," Yeasayer INDEX: 12:26:55 
TRACK 06 "Don't Make a Move," Lino INDEX: 17:48:49 
TRACK 07 "Breathing Fear," Kitchens Of Distinction INDEX: 20:50:08 
TRACK 08 "Hideous Towns," The Sundays INDEX: 24:30:66 
TRACK 09 "Why are You So Mean to Me?," Nada Surf INDEX: 28:15:36 
TRACK 10 "She Said She Said," The Beatles INDEX: 32:16:51 
TRACK 11 "Little Flowers," Denison Witmer INDEX: 34:49:61 
TRACK 12 "Holland, 1945," Neutral Milk Hotel INDEX: 39:19:43 
TRACK 13 "For While You Slept," Hush Arbors INDEX: 42:32:10 
TRACK 14 "Getting Lost," North Highlands INDEX: 46:54:60 
TRACK 15 "What You Live By," Harvey Danger INDEX: 52:21:15

weather and wherefore

Tonight's mix is brought to you courtesy of my good friend Richard. I've decided to make it a tradition to add a track of my own to his theme. I've also decided to put the podcast on hiatus. Posting frequency has degenerated from weekly to monthly, and while I could trot out a list of reasons, the fact is, for the moment, I've said everything I have to say in this format. I expect to be back -- soon, I hope -- but for now, we're having a break. See you around, --R TRACK 01 "Another Day in the Sun," The Moffs INDEX: 00:00:00 TRACK 02 "Cloud Chamber," David Byrne INDEX: 04:46:11 TRACK 03 "Storm in My House," Minutemen INDEX: 07:34:00 TRACK 04 "Storm 3000," Leftfield INDEX: 09:32:28 TRACK 05 "Man from Atlantis," Plastic Junk INDEX: 15:16:54 TRACK 06 "Deep Blue Day," Brian Eno INDEX: 21:20:61 TRACK 07 "Atmosphere," Joy Division INDEX: 25:12:42 TRACK 08 "Gimme Shelter," The Rolling Stones INDEX: 29:16:17 TRACK 09 "Ghost Town," The Specials INDEX: 33:45:46 TRACK 10 "The City Sleeps," MC 900 Ft. Jesus INDEX: 39:36:24 TRACK 11 "Sky High," Artificial Intelligence INDEX: 45:02:37 TRACK 12 "Fine Time," New Order INDEX: 51:16:24 TRACK 13 "Extra Dry Dub," Black Uhuru INDEX: 55:56:30 TRACK 14 "This Perfect Day," Black Uhuru INDEX: 60:10:29

disappear

*Poof!* TRACK 01 "Disappear," Meat Puppets INDEX: 00:00:00 TRACK 02 "Disappear," The Crayon Fields INDEX: 04:17:49 TRACK 03 "Disappear," INXS INDEX: 07:04:59 TRACK 04 "Disappear," R.E.M. INDEX: 11:10:64 TRACK 05 "Disappear," My Brightest Diamond INDEX: 15:20:72 TRACK 06 "Disappear," Mazzy Star INDEX: 19:22:36 TRACK 07 "Disappearing World," David Gray INDEX: 23:23:15 TRACK 08 "Disappearing," Material INDEX: 28:22:49 TRACK 09 "Disappearer," Sonic Youth INDEX: 35:28:54 TRACK 10 "Watch Her Disappear," Tom Waits INDEX: 40:23:23 TRACK 11 "Watch Me Disappear," Augie March INDEX: 42:41:20 TRACK 12 "Watching You Disappear," 32 Leaves INDEX: 47:47:10 TRACK 13 "How to Disappear Completely," Radiohead INDEX: 51:20:10